Monday, November 22, 2004

What Every Man Should Know

The article is out of Maxim. These are some of my favorites:

Why girth beats length
Most of the vagina’s nerve endings are in its outermost third. As long as you’re not lost in your own pubic hair, you’re probably long enough.

How to keep her pregnancy-free
A woman’s most fertile in the middle of her menstrual cycle, meaning she’s least likely to get pregnant if you bang her just before or just after her period. Particularly if there’s a condom or two on your johnson.

10 things we shouldn’t have to tell you
Dance lessons are for girls.
You can have long hair, you can have a mustache, and you can wear a pink shirt, but not all three at the same time.
Eggs, corned-beef hash, and Tabasco sauce is the breakfast of the gods.
The Godfather and The Godfather Part II were glorious and magnificent; The Godfather Part III reeked like a burning house made of chicken shit and stuffed with dead dogs.
The button on the fly of your boxer shorts is just for show.
When smashing a beer can on your forehead, don’t forget to pinch the sides before making contact. Otherwise you’ll end up with an embarrassing “reverse coaster” on your noggin that will outlast the hangover.
You flip a steak one time—and one time only.
Don’t help a woman knock your pals. Ever.
In reality, Godzilla would beat King Kong’s butt six ways to Sunday. No questions, no contest, just a brutal, one-sided hairy-ass-kicking.
Protect the testicles.


1 comment:

Mean Dr. Lily said...

This is exactly why I don't 'read' Maxim for the articles. The 10th thing... "Protect the testicles."

NO FUCKING SHIT.

That's so far down the list of things you don't have to tell us, that it doesn't even need to be included in the list of things you don't have to tell us. Seriously, if they're going to include that, they should add "breathe" and "your heart should pump blood" and "masturbate".

#1 is wrong. It should be:

1. "Guys who know how to dance reasonably well get girls". Don't do it too well, or you're gay. Can't dance at all? You're a goddamned loser.

Godzilla vs. King Kong isn't even fair. One of them can breate fire. That wins every fight. It's like Superman vs. the Joker. "I am big and strong!" "Really, cuz I have fire. You're so fucked."

Godzilla vs. Ultima Man would have been a better comparison. (Of course, UM did kick Gz's ass on occasion. Pretty much every Japanese superhero did.)

Oh, and why do we care where the vigina's nerve endings are? As long as I get off, it doesn't really matter.