Friday, July 30, 2004

What if My Life Were a Soap Opera?

So - I'm laying out catching some rays today and have the little portable b&w TV outside with me. It's too bright to actually see the picture, but I can listen to Days & Passions just fine. Now, I don't watch soaps except for during the summer & school breaks. I don't bother taping it during the school year when I am working, but I find it mildly entertaining during the down time I may have.

So, after listening today what I really want is for the following people to take a long walk off a short pier (Jan, Phillip, Sami - when she gets into her funks like she did today, Kate, Bonnie, Patrick & Nicole) AND on Passions there are just too many idiots on there to mention.

So - I started thinking - what if my life were a soap opera. If it was this is how I think it might look:

Well, for starters, I am a twin (I actually had a dream once that I was) and it will turn out that Shane is my twin brother (we have the same birthday). Now, he thinks he is really a year older than me, but that's what they told him. And we have the same mom, but different dads ('cuz Shane & I don't look alike at all and it's a soap so they could make it happen that 2 eggs were fertilized by 2 different sperm). Now, when everyone finds this out that will be the end of Miranda marrying Shane 'cuz she'll be all grossed out that he is her half-brother. Now mom wasn't going around screwing a bunch of guys. See - she was under the power of someone and this dude had the sperm that created he implanted in her, but all the while she was with my dad and got pregnant with me.

So, there are my sisters. They had been fighting over Jason, but Steph won out on that one. But even though Miranda is in love with Shane, once she finds out they are related she is going to come back and try to get with Jason. What she'll do is drug him and then takes advantage of him and get pregnant with his child (that ought to make Brenda happy), but Steph is going to get wicked pissed. And because the guys in soaps are all schmucks - then Jason will end up thinking he has to do right by Miranda and will get with Miranda all the while he is still pinning away after Steph.

And then there is Al. What's going to happen with him is that he finds out that dad is not really his dad and that his dad is the creep who keeps taking over mom's mind. And then, even though Al swore he hated that guy, he will try to run his empire for him because he needs someone to takeover whenever he dies. And then when he comes back to life again, Al can be in training.

Now - the real twist comes when we find out that Andy is not even a real person. We all thought he was, but he was created by this sorceress as her robot. This is all part of her evil plan to ruin all the relationships in the Shallow family. Now, no one saw this coming because he seems human enough. He drinks beers, plays video games, eats pizza & tacos, and certainly his shit does stink. But remember this is a soap opera and they can have that kind of technology if they want to.

Ok - but later we will find out that at one time Andy was real in Jessica's life. But he was kidnapped by the creepy dude who is in cahoots with the sorceress. Andy is really trapped in Detroit and thinks he is a mechanic for Ford and doesn't remember any of his life.

So, just when Jessica finds out that Andy is a robot she also finds out that you can't be legally married to a robot. The sorceress flips her lid and makes Andy-bot freak out on the Shallow family. He is then destroyed. Now, Jessica doesn't know that her own true love Andy is really in Detroit. So, she moves on with her life, gets married to some other schmuck and they have a whole slew of kids together. After years of being together, Jessica's schmuck decides that they need a Ford. Jessica is just pissed because the fucker keeps breaking down. So, she calls the plant in Detroit and who answers but Andy. Holy shit! She's talking to her estranged husband.

(Ok - I gotta run - I'll have to finish the soap later - anyone got any good names for it?)


Trudy said...

Thanks for the belly laugh. You are indeed aiding my health today! And you said you don't care for nofiction that much. You sure can spin a tale though.

Kinky Phanie Gates said...

Your funny! You have a good amount of time on your hands to think of all this stuff. So I'm left in the dust, b/c Jason is doing the right thing...Can I fall in love with a Mike Horton type, and be whisked away on a white horse?