Being Fat.

Before I even begin I guess I should do everyone the courtesy reading this to warn them that this post will most likely be very LONG and brutally honest.

I couldn't help but think about what it means to be fat while I painstakingly worked out this afternoon. I was very disgruntled by the continued appearance of cellulite. I swear it grows and never leaves. How the hell do you get rid of that shit without resorting to having it surgically removed? We all have it. Admit it finally. Curse you if you actually don't have it and curse you twice if you do have it and still continue to deny it. I remember seeing those dimples on my ass when I was in high school, although then there wasn't as many (or maybe there was and I was denying their existence and cannot accurately recall how many there were). But it's when they start spreading down your thighs that it really starts to piss you off. And how come you don't see the cellulite on guys' thighs? Do they really not have any cellulite? Or is it that all that hair on their legs is covering up the unsightly dimples? Which do I think is more unattractive on a woman, cellulite or a full leg hair? For now I think I will stick with the cellulite, but if it gets much worse I may have to re-think my answer.

I don't want any of this "You're not fat." crap on this blog comments. I am not looking for that. If I were fishing for a compliment I would have just stated that right off the bat. Plus, I know and you know when someone complains about his or her size you are SUPPOSED to say, "You're not fat." Would it hurt us to tell the person that they need to lose some weight? And the answer to that is - Yes! It would. How would it hurt us? Well, secretly we all relish in the thought that someone has gained weight or that they are now bigger then us. If we told them the truth that we thought they had gained weight and maybe didn't look quite as attractive, then they might actually do something about it and we are back to being the fat friend.

Don't tell me that you don't secretly wish people to get fat and are secretly green with envy when the get thinner! Don't tell me that at all because I know you are lying. I know I am not the only person out there that is like this. I know this because I may be the friend you turn to, to gossip about how someone just gained weight - after you just told him or her that they are not fat. I know this because EVERY comedy TV show that has an episode about going to a high school reunion will acknowledge these same facts. We watch it and laugh because we know it to be true, but we don't openly admit it. We won't admit we actually feel this way because it makes is a bad person who is petty about appearances.

I have to admit that I was even jealous that my mother-in-law lost so much weight and secretly wished that she would gain a few pounds back. But then I had to tell myself to get over myself and be happy with the fact that she is thinner and healthier than she has been the entire 7 years Andy & I have been together, because that means my future children will have a healthier grandma and she'll be around longer for them. So - I was able to reconcile that her getting thinner was ok, but someone not in my family - hmmmmmm......maybe.

So, I started this exercise program of cardio & weight lifting 4 times a week about 6 weeks ago. I'd love to say that I really wanted to exercise, but it's not that. I got on that damn scale and took some body measurements that made my heart sank. I have not been this heavy since I gained my "Freshman 15" and then some. Dammit! It went on Sooooooooo Easy. I could not believe how much weight I gained and now I understood why my clothes were getting tighter. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

Oh! I'll never tell you what I weighed at the moment when I got on the scale or what my measurements. I'll probably never mention a number regarding my size until I reach a satisfactory weight (which I won't even tell you what that it because I know there are some of you out there that will do some calculating in your head to figure out just how fat I am.)

The exercises have been going fine. I am starting to seem some intonation in my arms, although that stubborn cellulite on my thighs and hips are not going anywhere. I decided I had to start exercising because like most females out there I have tried most of the diets out there. Some work for a little while - but then I want to eat again. Others have been more successful, but if I am being really honest with myself I know those times were also times when I was exercising and when I tried just the diet again, but this time alone - it didn't work so well. My only conclusion is that the only thing that truly works for me is exercise. Man - that sucks! Because there are days when all I want to do is veg out.

And for me - it's an all or nothing thing - I have to exercise those 4 days each week and if I don't I give in to those excuses and then it is easier to give in to all the excuses and never get back on that machine.

After gloating last night about starting to get buff, I asked Andy last night if he was afraid that I would get too strong and be able to beat him up. And he told me "No, because I know sooner or later you'll stop doing this." And he's right -- he's known me for 7 years and knows that I will get sick of it. I am already starting to get sick of it. I need to vary it up a little and I haven't quite figured out how I am going to do that yet.

You know - I am sincere when I tell people that they look good. I really don't like to lie to people. And when people are fishing for compliments and are saying "I'm fat." I like to ask, so what are you going to do about it if you feel fat. Then I get the answer from some people of "nothing" or "I don't know", and then there are some that actually have a plan. I will give people a compliment (and mean it) if it comes un-prompted. You know - no fishing.

What's even worse that those fishers is the people who are thin (or at least thinner than you) saying they need to lose weight or are telling you about their diet. Nothing like a slap in the face there, because inside you know they are thinking "She should go on a diet too", but of course their ego will never let them tell you that because they want you to be fatter than them. They need that fat friend because then they get more attention when you go out - you know it's true. The thin friend gets more attention over the fat friend. And I am not just talking about from guys here - we're talking both sexes. People seem to value your opinion more when you are thinner -- there are even statistics to show that fatter people get paid less. The fatter you are the less you get paid. Seems ironic doesn't it - because the fatter you are the more you probably eat and need more money to buy food, but have less money to start with.

And you know - I write all this as I salivate at the prospect of going to the Fair tonight and tasting what delectables they have there this year. Not sure I will really be able to enjoy it knowing how hard I have to work to get rid of it and that it will probably cause my cellulite to spread even more.

So - where does that leave me? I need to exercise and am starting to look buff in my arms, but am frustrated that I can never again show myself in a swimsuit because of the unsightly cellulite I detest, fishers drive me nuts as do skinny people on diets as do fat people who won't do anything about their condition (obesity is a disease you know!), and I am left to try to become a better person and not relish in those extra pounds someone else puts on and to get rid of that envy when they do lose a few pounds.

Somehow I have a felling that this won't be the only post where I rant about fat. You know - the F-word.